No matter what the situation is in which the rape or sexual abuse has occurred – whether it’s between people who know each other or not – it can bring so many confusing moments and they can obviously and understandably lead to a ton of questions. Questions that the Survivor asks of themselves. Questions they want to ask of their abuser/rapist. Questions they ask of their entire upbringing or of their ethics and belief system. It can get pretty intense and, sometimes, even if a Survivor gets some answers, they can be left feeling more confused than when they had none! So, we’ve decided to tackle some of the questions rape and sexual abuse might raise for a Survivor and we’ve answered them for you…
What did I do to deserve it?
Nothing.
There
are bound to be several questions that would come up completely dependent upon a
single situation and aren’t common to most Survivors – which doesn’t diminish
their importance; it just throws difficulty to anyone outside of the situation
being able to answer them. So, when we say you did nothing to deserve being
raped or sexually abused, we mean it.
One of
the most difficult elements around the responsibility in rape and/or abuse, is
when the abuser or rapist denies what they’ve done or concocts some sort of
excuse or reason for their behaviours, attitude, and actions. This can leave you
(the Survivor) feeling like the blame must be allocated to someone and where manipulation
has been a huge factor in the trauma, you can even find yourself believing this
person and agreeing to or being accepting of the responsibility. It’s so difficult
to say ‘don’t do that’ because it’s completely understandable that you would; so
please feel validated in that.
Despite
this response being understandable, it doesn’t make it true or right. You are
not responsible for how someone chooses to treat you. That is 100% on them.
Do I tell anyone?
Yes.
At
Shake My Hand, our mission and goal is to increase the number of rape and
sexual abuse Survivors who are reporting their experiences to the Police, and so
we’d recommend everyone do this. We don’t say this lightly though, we 100%
recognise just how reluctant you can be to do this and that this can be the
case for numerous different reasons. However, we know how particularly off-putting
it can be to hear about the experience other people have had in reporting their
experiences.
One of
the largest motivations our Campaign Founder – Aimee Wilson – used to report
her own experiences of sexual abuse and rape, was the recognition that in doing
so, she could say that she’d done all that she could to protect others. It’s
not your responsibility if your abuser or rapist goes on to hurt others, but
there’s no denying the fact that if you’d reported your experiences, the chance
of that happening might have somehow reduced. Whether that’s because they’re jailed
or because being arrested and accused has scared them. And when the Crown
Prosecution Service (CPS) told her local Police force that Aimee’s statement
didn’t have enough evidence supporting it, Aimee developed the belief that if
her abuser went on to reoffend, there was nothing more she could have done about
it; she’d done everything in her power to prevent anyone else going through all
that she had.
Please
also remember that with a lot of sexual offences – rape in particular – a lot
of physical and forensic evidence can be lost as the time between the incident
and reporting it, grows.
Will anyone believe me if I talk about
it?
We do!
At
Shake My Hand, we fully recognise that being believed and validated in your
experiences in relation to sexual abuse and rape, can be really powerful and actually,
a huge motivation in encouraging you to report your trauma. In a way, this is
massively sad because a common mindset that so many people strive to achieve,
is to not care what others think. To not let the thoughts of others stop them
from doing something. And, really, the reporting a crime shouldn’t rest on
something like that… But it does. And for reasons that are extremely just. For
example, one of the largest rationales for wanting validation and belief when
you talk about your experiences of rape and/or sexual abuse, is the concern
that you’ll feel completely alone if you aren’t shown those qualities in
responses to your disclosure. If someone doesn’t believe you, then how can you
talk to them about it? How can you seek their help and support?
You
have ours though. We also have a Help Directory page which houses a huge number
of help and support resources that are delivered in various formats e.g. live
chats, SMS messages, emails, etc.